A great story about DC Lobbyists and the people who stand in line for them. Apparently there is a bill to ban the practice. I actually kind of hope it doesn't pass as it provides easy, decent paying stints, if you can get the job. If anyone knows where to find lobbyists or temp firms hiring line standers let me know!
Bonus video:
Allen Raymond, a former Republican operative talks about how he participated in suppressing votes and the games political parties play. Interesting stuff.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Pictures of the snow we got yesterday
We got our first snowstorm yesterday. Generally speaking, 2-4" accumulated in the immediate metro area, with 3-5" in upper Montgomery and Frederick counties. Here is some pictures from downtown. Thanks to the Capital Weather blog for the pictures.
Tom Cruise on Tom Cruise aka I'm crazy....about scientology
Recently a video has leaked of a segment that was shown at the Scientology award ceremony when Tom Cruise was presented with the IAS Freedom Medal of Valor in 2006. The Scientology sue happy lawyers are working overtime to try and completely erase any trace of this leak so who knows how long these videos will last. They do though provide an interesting picture into the crazy propaganda scientologists watch about themselves and a view into some of their "programs". Also we get to see tom cruise being crazy.
Before one watches the videos though it helps to know a few abbreviations Scientologists use.
------------------------------------
1) Sp= Suppressed Person. Whats that? Well Hubbard and Scientology teach that SPs comprise the most evil two and a half percent of the planetary wog population. "Wogs" are what Scientologists call the human race or Homo sapiens. Scientology teaches that Scientologists comprise a new race, "Homo novis" or "Homo scientologicus," a much more able, aware, intelligent and ethical race than the "humanoid" wog race. The organization markets and delivers courses training Scientologists how to spot or identify SPs among the wogs they encounter in life, and then to shatter the SPs once spotted. In reality, cult leader Miscavige and his Sea Org religious police do the identifying of Suppressive Persons for shattering, and rank and file Scientologists simply obey their police arm's SP declarations and other orders.
Scientologists are indoctrinated to proclaim that Scientology possesses the only mental or spiritual system that "works," or has ever "worked," and in fact produces "total freedom." Scientologists universally are dedicated to "keeping Scientology working," and they spend immense amounts of time and enormous sums of money to keep it working. The work Scientology claims it is performing is the "processing" of people, with its trademarked technology, from the state of "raw meat," or wog or human being, to the most astonishingly superior and stable state called "Clear." More processing, Scientology says, takes Clears to superperson states and "never before imagined" beings called "Operating Thetans," or "OTs." Tom Cruise in not only an OT but a level 7 OT the highest level ever achieved by anyone and it is rumored he is considered to be the equivalent of "Jesus" to scientologists, L. Ron Hubbard being God of course. To get the full story of SP's you can go here.
2)LRH= L Ron Hubbard, Founder of Scientology and hack scifi writer.
3)KSW= KSW stands for Keeping Scientology Working, a policy letter written in 1965 by L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder. In the letter, Hubbard, a science fiction writer, outlined 10 steps to ensure survival of the movement. He commends members for carrying out the first part of the mission, but urges them to take it further and eradicate what he called "incorrect technology."
"This point will, of course, be attacked as ‘unpopular,’ ‘egotistical’ and ‘undemocratic,’" Hubbard wrote in the letter. "It very well may be. But it is also a survival point. And I don’t see that popular measures, self-abnegation and democracy have done anything for Man but push him further into the mud." This comes from the Chicago tribune newspaper.
One of the craziest segments
Tom Cruise on Tom Cruise
To see the Full Segment of Tom Cruise getting the Medal and the various programs Scientology puts on this site has them.
Before one watches the videos though it helps to know a few abbreviations Scientologists use.
------------------------------------
1) Sp= Suppressed Person. Whats that? Well Hubbard and Scientology teach that SPs comprise the most evil two and a half percent of the planetary wog population. "Wogs" are what Scientologists call the human race or Homo sapiens. Scientology teaches that Scientologists comprise a new race, "Homo novis" or "Homo scientologicus," a much more able, aware, intelligent and ethical race than the "humanoid" wog race. The organization markets and delivers courses training Scientologists how to spot or identify SPs among the wogs they encounter in life, and then to shatter the SPs once spotted. In reality, cult leader Miscavige and his Sea Org religious police do the identifying of Suppressive Persons for shattering, and rank and file Scientologists simply obey their police arm's SP declarations and other orders.
Scientologists are indoctrinated to proclaim that Scientology possesses the only mental or spiritual system that "works," or has ever "worked," and in fact produces "total freedom." Scientologists universally are dedicated to "keeping Scientology working," and they spend immense amounts of time and enormous sums of money to keep it working. The work Scientology claims it is performing is the "processing" of people, with its trademarked technology, from the state of "raw meat," or wog or human being, to the most astonishingly superior and stable state called "Clear." More processing, Scientology says, takes Clears to superperson states and "never before imagined" beings called "Operating Thetans," or "OTs." Tom Cruise in not only an OT but a level 7 OT the highest level ever achieved by anyone and it is rumored he is considered to be the equivalent of "Jesus" to scientologists, L. Ron Hubbard being God of course. To get the full story of SP's you can go here.
2)LRH= L Ron Hubbard, Founder of Scientology and hack scifi writer.
3)KSW= KSW stands for Keeping Scientology Working, a policy letter written in 1965 by L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder. In the letter, Hubbard, a science fiction writer, outlined 10 steps to ensure survival of the movement. He commends members for carrying out the first part of the mission, but urges them to take it further and eradicate what he called "incorrect technology."
"This point will, of course, be attacked as ‘unpopular,’ ‘egotistical’ and ‘undemocratic,’" Hubbard wrote in the letter. "It very well may be. But it is also a survival point. And I don’t see that popular measures, self-abnegation and democracy have done anything for Man but push him further into the mud." This comes from the Chicago tribune newspaper.
One of the craziest segments
Tom Cruise on Tom Cruise
To see the Full Segment of Tom Cruise getting the Medal and the various programs Scientology puts on this site has them.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Actual News about Me and Becky!
Well I usually let all the good stories about whats going on with us go to Becky, as she usually is the one that takes the pictures and just plain beats me to the punch but not this time.
We already have our plans set for this weekend...we are going to go to the bathroom...together. Yep a public restroom too, specificaly the 2nd floor restroom of the National Portrait Gallery.
Yes it seems for a short 6 week window we can see a piece of work so honored, so treasured, that it had to be hung outside the hall of presidents...even if that means in the restrooms. This would be of course the legendary "Colbert Portrait". For the full story on the portrait and how it ended up there you can watch the videos below. The short version is that Stephan Colbert of Comedy Central's "Colbert Report" convinced the national portrait gallery to hang up his portrait that normally hangs above the show set's fireplace.
Becky and I are big fans of the Colbert Report and were a little bummed that they filmed a small series here in DC recently and we missed it! Oh well, the portrait will have to do. I wonder if there is a website that lists celebrity visits/Sighting in DC...
The Picture:
The videos:
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
We already have our plans set for this weekend...we are going to go to the bathroom...together. Yep a public restroom too, specificaly the 2nd floor restroom of the National Portrait Gallery.
Yes it seems for a short 6 week window we can see a piece of work so honored, so treasured, that it had to be hung outside the hall of presidents...even if that means in the restrooms. This would be of course the legendary "Colbert Portrait". For the full story on the portrait and how it ended up there you can watch the videos below. The short version is that Stephan Colbert of Comedy Central's "Colbert Report" convinced the national portrait gallery to hang up his portrait that normally hangs above the show set's fireplace.
Becky and I are big fans of the Colbert Report and were a little bummed that they filmed a small series here in DC recently and we missed it! Oh well, the portrait will have to do. I wonder if there is a website that lists celebrity visits/Sighting in DC...
The Picture:
The videos:
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Bill Gates Last Day Of Work
This is a video spoof shown during the CES 2008 keynote by Bill Gates describing what his last day at Microsoft will be like. Quite a few impressive cameos for a little video spoof.
Bill Gates Last Day Of Work - Watch more free videos
Bill Gates Last Day Of Work - Watch more free videos
Enemy of The City Faces Corruption Charges
Senator Faces Allegations of Corruption -
article from DCistCitizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, a non-partisan watchdog organization, announced today that it has asked the Department of Justice and the Senate to look into whether Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) violated federal bribery law when she earmarked $2 million for a reading program for D.C. public schools after receiving tens of thousands of dollars in campaign contributions from the executives of the company that designed the program. According to a release, Landrieu directed the earmark to Voyager Expanded Learning a mere four days after receiving the contributions.
This is big news because it was only last month that the Post uncovered Landrieu's role in pushing the Voyager Expanded Learning literacy program on the city's public schools without their input. In her role as chairwoman of the Senate's D.C. appropriations subcommittee up until the middle of 2007, Landrieu has been closely involved in District affairs in recent years, going so far as to put a hold on Mayor Adrian Fenty's school takeover plan last year so as to extract concessions from the city.
These are still merely allegations, but they highlight a more serious point that we often bring up -- the District desperately needs budget autonomy. Whether by imposing a charter school program, proposing a flat tax for the city or forbidding city officials from funding needle-exchange programs, members of Congress all too often use their power to interfere in what are plainly local affairs.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Yea Becky! Boo DC!
DC's Schools rank 51st in Nation, VA, MD have strong showing
The Post has a piece up today on the rankings from Editorial Projects in Education (publisher of Education Week, one of the big rags in the Edu-industry) that place the District dead last among the states based on a formula that makes the BCS look like something you learned in Grade School. Yeah, DC got a D-. Virginia got a B- and Maryland brought home a B. Maryland was actually #3 in the poll, which is pretty impressive. Looks like DC's got work to do.
From the Article:
"Quality Counts is widely considered to be the most thorough evaluation of school performance because more than 150 data points are used in the report. The complex formula, which measures student achievement, standards and assessments and teacher pay, among other factors, ranks Maryland as the third-best state school system in the country with a B average. Virginia comes in fifth with a B-minus and the District last with a D-plus."
Your Government Keeping You Safe
TSA Detains 5-Year-Old As National Security Risk
Consumerist Post this was taken from:
http://consumerist.com/342806/tsa-detains-5+year+old-as-national-security-riskOriginal article:
5-year-old mistaken for criminal at airport [KING5 via Elliot]
The Future Metro Car....
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Well the metro doesn't have any money, had to raise rates just to make up budget shortfalls, still can't get their trains to work, have enough cars, or run on time...when they do run, but they love to dream. Especially about new models of rail cars. They are currently planning to produce the next generation of cars 5 years from now.
The new cars would feature the following:
- Stainless steel exteriors instead of an aluminum car body.
- Thinner, stronger stainless steel seats that offer more leg room. Each car would have 64 cloth-padded, taller seats with seat-back grab handles.
- A total end to carpeting. Floors would be rubberized.
- Interactive maps on LCD screens that would also likely display advertisements
- Automated station announcements. So no more "
- Security cameras on all rail cars.
I would love to see all of that (Except the automated announcements, some conductors are entertaining) but I would like a well running metro with working trains and enough cars rather than a few running trains half hour behind and only 4 cars. But hey I would have a fancy LCD showing me the latest Viagra Ad!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Best TV Sound Bites of 2007
Best TV Sound Bites of 2007
Here are the funniest TV lines of the year, as chosen by EW.com voters in our weekly Sound Bites polls
''I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE
January
''Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing — Gary Coleman is going to drown.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Britney Spears' manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Year's Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Year's Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said, 'Countin' is hard!'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left — me and Karen. It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.''
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE
''During an interview with 60 Minutes on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''Things are heating up between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, with Simpson accompanying Mayer for part of his tour in Florida. Mayer is working on a new song called 'Your Body Is a Wonderland, and Your Brain Is a Wind Tunnel.'''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
February
''Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Senator Obama is not the first African American to run for president, but he's the first African American to have a prayer. Which is ironic, since two of the others were reverends.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), WHO THINKS JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI) IS TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE, ON THE OFFICE
''Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TO LIZ (TINA FEY), ON 30 ROCK
March
''She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, gave birth to her third in Namibia, and now from Vietnam. She's working her way down the alphabet. Stay cool, Yemen, she's coming.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING ANGELINA JOLIE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''A sport without black people ain't a sport. That's just a game!... That's like me saying, 'Ooh, I got the highest SAT score in the whole world, but no Asians took the test.' What kind of crap is that? 'I just won the marathon. No Kenyans could run, though!'''
CHRIS ROCK EXPRESSES SKEPTICISM ABOUT BABE RUTH'S ACHIEVEMENTS IN PRE-INTEGRATED BASEBALL, ON THE LATE SHOW
''The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT
''Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy.''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT
April
''Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was.''
'SENIOR BLACK CORRESPONDENT' LARRY WILMORE, ON THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
''I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE
''If someone gives you 10,000-to-one [odds] on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.''
KEVIN (BRIAN BAUMGARTNER), ON THE OFFICE
''In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don't ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
May
''Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.''
THE PETITE-SIZE ANGELA (ANGELA KINSEY), DISCUSSING HER SHOPPING HABITS, ON THE OFFICE
''One of the most popular gifts for high school graduates this year is a gift certificate for plastic surgery. Apparently, the gift certificate is a perfect way to tell a recent graduate that you can be anything you want to be but not with that giant honker.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE
''It's like Regis Philbin...sunny and 84.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, NOTING THE GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK, ON THE LATE SHOW
June
''They got the name 300 by measuring how gay it was on a scale from 1 to 10.''
HOST SARAH SILVERMAN, ON THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS
''Earlier tonight, after serving eight years in jail, assisted-suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on Larry King Live. When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Today the Olsen twins turned 21 years old, which means they're now old enough to drink. Still no word on when they'll be old enough to eat.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Sixty-eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only 5 percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
July
''I was busy shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory. Enjoying some roast penguin.''
CRAIG FERGUSON, EXPLAINING WHY HE DIDN'T WATCH THE LIVE EARTH CONCERTS, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW
''This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. For the 5,000th year in a row, burkhas are in.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Here's exciting news for New York City: Pope Benedict will be visiting New York City in the spring.... And the good news is he's bringing his wife, Posh Benedict.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW
''Barry Bonds is only three home runs away from becoming the all-time home-run king, and when it happens, I just hope he doesn't get a big head.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
August
''But here are the terms of the divorce settlement: Britney gets the house, Kevin gets the cash, and the kids get the car.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW
''It pains me to say this, but a tip of the hat to The New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 and a half inches to 12. I haven't seen that much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''Well, we did it, but if you want my professional opinion, that boy gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.''
U-TURN'S HO, AFTER FORCING SANJAY (MAULIK PANCHOLY), A GAY MAN, TO HAVE SEX, ON WEEDS
''Here's a fascinating story: there's a man in Australia and he spent the last 15 years of his life typing — typing — the numbers 'one' to 'one million.' Fifteen years of his life typing the numbers 'one,' starting out with 'o-n-e,' fifteen years, 'one' to 'one million' — and, guess what, girls? He's single.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
September
''My idea of getting lucky in the men's room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
''You won't be single much longer.''
ELLEN DEGENERES TO GUEST DANIEL RADCLIFFE, AFTER HE DEMONSTRATED SOME TONGUE TRICKS, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW
''Sometimes when we're rolling around in the jungle in the mud and we're hitting each other and stabbing each other and shooting each other and they're pouring on the blood and turning on the sprinklers, I wonder what it would be like to bake up a sheet of cookies on Wisteria Lane. And get one of their checks.''
LOST'S TERRY O'QUINN, DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES AT THE EMMYS
''He taught me how to drive-by.''
NANCY (MARY-LOUISE PARKER), AT THE FUNERAL OF HER FORMER DRUG-DEALING PARTNER U-TURN, ON WEEDS
October
''It's been reported that Britney Spears recently asked a paparazzi photographer to go into a store and buy her a tampon. The photographer said it was a great opportunity to finally give something back to the vagina that's given so much.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''O.J. Simpson is claiming that a Rolex watch he was ordered to turn over to authorities is a fake. However, O.J. did offer to search for the real Rolex.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.''
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE
''Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass says that before he announced that he was gay, he thought that Justin Timberlake and one of the other guys in 'N Sync were also gay. When asked why he thought that they were gay, Bass said, 'They were members of 'N Sync.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Dear Lord: Please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt and fry her into one of those little Mexican cinnamon sticks.''
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), PRAYING TO BE KIND TO CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), ON MY NAME IS EARL
November
''You can not take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary — the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER LEARNING THAT STANLEY (LESLIE DAVID BAKER) MIGHT BE CHANGING BRANCHES, ON THE OFFICE
''We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race.''
KATE, ONE HALF OF THE LESBIAN MINISTER COUPLE, ON THE AMAZING RACE
''Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences until the sex goes bad, and then we'll walk away bitter and angry.''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TRYING TO WOO CELESTE (EDIE FALCO), ON 30 ROCK
''Someone will be here to save the master race soon enough.''
DR. BAILEY (CHANDRA WILSON), TO A NEO-NAZI PATIENT REQUESTING A NONBLACK DOCTOR, ON GREY'S ANATOMY
December
''Well, I adore 'em. Except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.''
BETTY WHITE, DISCUSSING HER LEGION OF DEDICATED FANS, ON UGLY BETTY
Here are the funniest TV lines of the year, as chosen by EW.com voters in our weekly Sound Bites polls
''I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE
January
''Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing — Gary Coleman is going to drown.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Britney Spears' manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Year's Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Year's Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said, 'Countin' is hard!'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left — me and Karen. It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.''
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE
''During an interview with 60 Minutes on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'''
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
''Things are heating up between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, with Simpson accompanying Mayer for part of his tour in Florida. Mayer is working on a new song called 'Your Body Is a Wonderland, and Your Brain Is a Wind Tunnel.'''
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP
February
''Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Senator Obama is not the first African American to run for president, but he's the first African American to have a prayer. Which is ironic, since two of the others were reverends.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), WHO THINKS JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI) IS TURNING INTO A VAMPIRE, ON THE OFFICE
''Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TO LIZ (TINA FEY), ON 30 ROCK
March
''She adopted her first child in Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, gave birth to her third in Namibia, and now from Vietnam. She's working her way down the alphabet. Stay cool, Yemen, she's coming.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, DISCUSSING ANGELINA JOLIE, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''A sport without black people ain't a sport. That's just a game!... That's like me saying, 'Ooh, I got the highest SAT score in the whole world, but no Asians took the test.' What kind of crap is that? 'I just won the marathon. No Kenyans could run, though!'''
CHRIS ROCK EXPRESSES SKEPTICISM ABOUT BABE RUTH'S ACHIEVEMENTS IN PRE-INTEGRATED BASEBALL, ON THE LATE SHOW
''The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT
''Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy.''
CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT
April
''Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was.''
'SENIOR BLACK CORRESPONDENT' LARRY WILMORE, ON THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
''I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least, it's bisexual.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES TO WORK, ON THE OFFICE
''If someone gives you 10,000-to-one [odds] on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.''
KEVIN (BRIAN BAUMGARTNER), ON THE OFFICE
''In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don't ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
May
''Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.''
THE PETITE-SIZE ANGELA (ANGELA KINSEY), DISCUSSING HER SHOPPING HABITS, ON THE OFFICE
''One of the most popular gifts for high school graduates this year is a gift certificate for plastic surgery. Apparently, the gift certificate is a perfect way to tell a recent graduate that you can be anything you want to be but not with that giant honker.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.''
DWIGHT (RAINN WILSON), ON THE OFFICE
''It's like Regis Philbin...sunny and 84.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, NOTING THE GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK, ON THE LATE SHOW
June
''They got the name 300 by measuring how gay it was on a scale from 1 to 10.''
HOST SARAH SILVERMAN, ON THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS
''Earlier tonight, after serving eight years in jail, assisted-suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on Larry King Live. When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Today the Olsen twins turned 21 years old, which means they're now old enough to drink. Still no word on when they'll be old enough to eat.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Sixty-eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only 5 percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
July
''I was busy shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory. Enjoying some roast penguin.''
CRAIG FERGUSON, EXPLAINING WHY HE DIDN'T WATCH THE LIVE EARTH CONCERTS, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW
''This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. For the 5,000th year in a row, burkhas are in.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Here's exciting news for New York City: Pope Benedict will be visiting New York City in the spring.... And the good news is he's bringing his wife, Posh Benedict.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW
''Barry Bonds is only three home runs away from becoming the all-time home-run king, and when it happens, I just hope he doesn't get a big head.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
August
''But here are the terms of the divorce settlement: Britney gets the house, Kevin gets the cash, and the kids get the car.''
DAVID LETTERMAN ON THE LATE SHOW
''It pains me to say this, but a tip of the hat to The New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 and a half inches to 12. I haven't seen that much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing.''
STEPHEN COLBERT, ON THE COLBERT REPORT
''Well, we did it, but if you want my professional opinion, that boy gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.''
U-TURN'S HO, AFTER FORCING SANJAY (MAULIK PANCHOLY), A GAY MAN, TO HAVE SEX, ON WEEDS
''Here's a fascinating story: there's a man in Australia and he spent the last 15 years of his life typing — typing — the numbers 'one' to 'one million.' Fifteen years of his life typing the numbers 'one,' starting out with 'o-n-e,' fifteen years, 'one' to 'one million' — and, guess what, girls? He's single.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
September
''My idea of getting lucky in the men's room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet.''
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW
''You won't be single much longer.''
ELLEN DEGENERES TO GUEST DANIEL RADCLIFFE, AFTER HE DEMONSTRATED SOME TONGUE TRICKS, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW
''Sometimes when we're rolling around in the jungle in the mud and we're hitting each other and stabbing each other and shooting each other and they're pouring on the blood and turning on the sprinklers, I wonder what it would be like to bake up a sheet of cookies on Wisteria Lane. And get one of their checks.''
LOST'S TERRY O'QUINN, DURING HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES AT THE EMMYS
''He taught me how to drive-by.''
NANCY (MARY-LOUISE PARKER), AT THE FUNERAL OF HER FORMER DRUG-DEALING PARTNER U-TURN, ON WEEDS
October
''It's been reported that Britney Spears recently asked a paparazzi photographer to go into a store and buy her a tampon. The photographer said it was a great opportunity to finally give something back to the vagina that's given so much.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''O.J. Simpson is claiming that a Rolex watch he was ordered to turn over to authorities is a fake. However, O.J. did offer to search for the real Rolex.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.''
ANDY (ED HELMS), ON THE OFFICE
''Former 'N Sync member Lance Bass says that before he announced that he was gay, he thought that Justin Timberlake and one of the other guys in 'N Sync were also gay. When asked why he thought that they were gay, Bass said, 'They were members of 'N Sync.'''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
''Dear Lord: Please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt and fry her into one of those little Mexican cinnamon sticks.''
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), PRAYING TO BE KIND TO CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), ON MY NAME IS EARL
November
''You can not take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary — the bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.''
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER LEARNING THAT STANLEY (LESLIE DAVID BAKER) MIGHT BE CHANGING BRANCHES, ON THE OFFICE
''We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race.''
KATE, ONE HALF OF THE LESBIAN MINISTER COUPLE, ON THE AMAZING RACE
''Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences until the sex goes bad, and then we'll walk away bitter and angry.''
JACK (ALEC BALDWIN), TRYING TO WOO CELESTE (EDIE FALCO), ON 30 ROCK
''Someone will be here to save the master race soon enough.''
DR. BAILEY (CHANDRA WILSON), TO A NEO-NAZI PATIENT REQUESTING A NONBLACK DOCTOR, ON GREY'S ANATOMY
December
''Well, I adore 'em. Except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.''
BETTY WHITE, DISCUSSING HER LEGION OF DEDICATED FANS, ON UGLY BETTY
Just Some crazy videos from 2007 I thought I would share...
There are more famous youtube videos from 2007 but I thought these were pretty good. From shortest to longest...
I agree with this child's statement.
"I don't got Biscuits, I got a loaf of bread." Not sure if he was drunk or in character but at least everyone at the studio was laughing as well.
While long, it is worth it, just to see Paris get roasted by David Letterman. When your used to having the world at your feet apparently it only takes a little heat to make you pout.
I agree with this child's statement.
"I don't got Biscuits, I got a loaf of bread." Not sure if he was drunk or in character but at least everyone at the studio was laughing as well.
While long, it is worth it, just to see Paris get roasted by David Letterman. When your used to having the world at your feet apparently it only takes a little heat to make you pout.
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